I have had this blog since January 2009, when my first major breakdown hit and I needed a place to vent my thoughts. Since then, I have used this space to type through every single anxiety spike and painful event. Every single word that left my thoughts and appeared in front of my eyes, felt like such a relief and the extreme emotions that were held within just passed from me into this blog. I found my way to relieve my painful emotions.
Let’s jump to November 2015, where I had my most relevant breakdown and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about me, who I am, what I felt. It was almost as if everything I had said or wanted to say needed to remain with me because it almost felt unfair to myself that someone else needed to know my emotions. Trying to let my feelings leave me felt like a pure betrayal to myself. How could I possibly invite anyone into my emotions right now when it felt like I was being emotionally violated. So I shut down and I decided to only speak to one person. Someone professional, but it wasn’t an easy process. But I finally trusted my Professional, and my emotional being was at ease for a long time.
ZOOM. September 2017. I have moved to a different continent, and country, that doesn’t have English as one of its national languages. This means that everything I had set up in my life has been shaken up in a terrible version of James Bond martini, covered up as an amazing opportunity.
Whilst so much has changed in my life my emotional state still feels back at v1.0.
Can I reach the next version please? (Hi Emotions, you’re so welcome to catch up to the rest of my body right now)
So now I am going back to my “cave-man” style of not blowing up on the inside.
It’s me again.
I may have forgotten about you.
But you were always waiting.
I am raxxy. I blog. Emotionally.