Confessions of a broken sphere

I wouldn’t consider myself to be a quiet person in the least bit. I tend to get loud, especially when I’m excited. I absolutely hate it when I get told to calm down, or lower my voice, by someone who just can’t possibly see the reason for my excitement. I actually want to shake them and I somehow feel that they should apologize for being very rude and inconsiderate. I don’t tell them to turn up the volume on their voice box, because they’re incapable of it. In any case, I think it takes a special person to understand my exhilaration and also allow me to be as loud as I want to be. It’s the way I express myself. At least it isn’t as destructive as some graffiti.

Having said that, I find that when I have to speak about myself and my personal achievements, I get very shy. When being asked about my merits, it actually feels as though someone has inflated a balloon in my chest, causing my lungs to close with every breath I take. My skin warms up immediately, and it actually burns if people constantly badger me for information about myself. In an interview yesterday, I couldn’t even describe any of my hobbies or, in fact, anything that didn’t pertain largely to the job itself. One of the interviewers actually had to play mommy and insist that it was OK to talk about myself. Obviously, once I was able to gain their trust, I couldn’t stop speaking. Every question they asked led to a detailed answer (with references, may I add).

This fear stems from constantly being called arrogant and know-it-all since I can remember. Family and outsiders have always said that I was fortunate (with a mean snigger, of course). My parents’ efforts to send me to a private school, and buy a house in the suburbs had always dubbed me as being spoiled. I was always ashamed about where I stayed, which school I attended and even the type of clothing I wore. I also don’t have a regular “Coloured accent”. I try to switch back and forth between two kinds of accents, depending on the company I hold, but it’s tiresome and absolutely ridiculous. I actually don’t know how I should speak at times, especially when I have a mixed group of people where I can’t differentiate as to how I should pronounce words.

It has taken me years to realize that the people that belittled me, with regard to my upbringing, only did this due to their own embarrassments about their failures. I still constantly have to tell myself that it is OK to speak about what I have achieved, mainly because I have earned it. And when I come across people who do treat me as if I am ranked lower than them in the food chain, I just ignore them. There is no use in trying to challenge someone who is dimwitted and incapable of seeing their own insecure projections onto someone else.