Confessions of a broken sphere

I have intentionally procrastinated against writing this last blog that will be part of the series: The Countdown. The initial design was to blog for 30 days, one post a day and I would try to figure out who I am. I haven’t explicitly mentioned that in any of my posts, because I decided that well after my first few posts. By that time, I was so consumed with digging deep into my soul with the brand new shovel I had especially gone to by for this job, that I didn’t find the reason for the digging incredibly important anymore. Besides, I was doing this for me, and I didn’t feel the need to detail everything to myself.

The reason for my procrastination has far more depth than just the idea of selfishness. I tend to hang onto things. I find it near impossible to let go of anything. I become so emotionally attached to something that when it is being taken away from me, it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I then have this infinite hole that just can’t seem to be filled. Because of my past experiences, I had tried to put off this last post for as long as possible because I didn’t want the plague of infinite emptiness to cross my path once again.

However, for some reason, I don’t feel that way as I type this out. I feel that this blog has served its purpose, and I feel content with myself. (I also think it’s because I can randomly start a new countdown any time I want. The next time won’t be 30 days though. I possibly cannot talk this much again – I think.)

I was recently website hopping as I usually do. (It starts off with Google, searching for electronic books, and after a whole lot of clicking, you end up on a lesbian blog page that loves to write poetry). On this said blog page, her inserts date back almost 4 years. (That’s a lot of writing). I was impressed by her perseverance, which has led me to believe, that maybe, deep inside of me, I am capable of sustaining reasonably interesting posts on www.raxxy.co.za. Although they won’t be blog posts, I do have an idea as to what may entertain people.

Having said that, these ideas may only be revealed once I get through the towers of books that I seem to have built around me. I am only able to mentally separate what I am reading due to two facts:
1. All books are not completely interlinked.
One book I solely based on the economy (or rather, minute scales within one economy and that doesn’t extend into the current financial world), others are either based on pure mathematics, a musical instrument, a religious instruction or a fictional world.
2. The books are of various materials
Most are of digital format, both audio and electronic documentation, and I have also managed to do the unspeakable, buy a few hardcopies. (For those who are currently gasping; I was able to convince a family member to pay for them, so as not fork out cash, as one would say.)
Because I have not been able to complete most of the books, I don’t feel I should delve into any of it. (I may or may not do this at a later point, but this will by far, be more detailed and intuitive).

I feel this insane urge to summarize my thirty days now; however, I feel that that would be like taking the once beautiful structure of the Eleanor Mustang and allowing it to be squashed into a flat piece of scrap metal. Instead, I will sign off with a subdued sense of accomplishment for now.